Sunday, July 31, 2011 @ 11:19 PM

I've moved to www.countingrainbows.wordpress.com!!!!!

For those who've known me for quite some time/are one of my better friends, you might find it weird that I've decided to use countingrainbows as my url, but the other one still exists hahaha :)

I feel a little sad to be leaving this blog, especially considering how long I've had it (coming to 6 years, mind you), but I think it's time to leave this chapter of my life behind and move on to new things (e.g. wordpress). Read my new post on my new blog cause I'm lazy to retype everything here hehe.

I'll miss you, blogger. :(

@ 12:53 AM

I think that people should be banned from asking why when they've just been informed that a person has recently broken up with someone. Have a little more EQ, thanks. I felt like punching everyone who brought up the b word. Which is to say, practically everybody at Ee Por's dinner today.

But other than that, I had a fabulous time with the cousins. Finally got to catch up with David and made plans with him to celebrae our birthdays on the 3rd of sept, right in between our birthdays. Also got to feel his buff arms, which are a result of several thousand months in OCS. Hahaha. Got to see Jon and Grace as well. :)

But the highlight of the night was David, who upon hearing about the b word thing, very cleverly and tactfully remained silent. Sometimes, I hate strongly dislike David for reasons to be left unmentioned, but the way we understand each other and seem to be able to communicate without words is comforting. And I love how we don't have to talk every day for us to remain close. We can go for months without talking and yet resume right where we left off when we eventually meet again. :)

Saturday, July 30, 2011 @ 1:35 PM

Yesterday at the doctor, I saw the most heartbreaking scene ever.

So I was waiting for my turn to see the doctor, trying to ignore the burning pain in my throat when I saw this little Vietnamese kid who couldn't have been more than 3 years old. He looked at me while waiting for his turn and gave me the cheekiest grin ever. He was really so adorable with his hair waxed up and looking all cool and everything. And he was so little that his tiny legs couldn't even touch the floor when he sat on the chair. He was sitting next to this man (who wasn't Vietnamese but I don't wanna say his race here) and a woman that I assume to be his mom.

When it was his turn, he jumped off the chair and followed his mom into the room, and roughly 5 minutes later, he started screaming and shouting. I assumed it to be just another kid who didn't want a vaccination, which is normal, since I'm almost 18 and I still hate vaccinations. But then the man started shouting back at him, telling him to stop it and that he was a big boy now. That obviously made the crying worse and they both kept shouting at each other and I could hear the mom yelling something in Vietnamese. The boy kept screaming "it's painful it's painful!" in agony and I immediately felt tears spring into my eyes cause I know what it's like to go through the anxiety of waiting for the darn needle to pierce your skin. But it must have been 100 times worse for him cause he's just a little toddler, and not to mention his yelling mom.

After a couple of minutes of the back and forth yelling, the man was like "____ this shit, you're going home. You're going back to Vietnam." and he dragged the boy out, basically threw him onto a chair, hurled his shoes at him and paced around the waiting room while everyone looked on in shock.

The boy continued sobbing softly and kept looking at me and I wanted to go over and comfort him so badly, to tell him that it's okay and that I know how evil vaccinations are, and that it's perfectly okay to cry because they really are painful. I felt like crying with him but I had to hold my tears back because it'd just be ridiculous if I did that. It'd make things so much worse too.

And the man suddenly just jumped at him and the boy started wailing and shouted "it's painful!" over and over again and the man screamed "you wanna know what's painful? This is painful!" and started smacking the boy's ass repeatedly as the boy started screaming and crying even harder.

After a while, the man picked him up and walked straight out of the clinic and started shouting at the boy even more, accusing him of humiliating him in public and for being such a nuisance and a waste of money. The mom then came out of the doctor's office, looked around embarrassedly and walked out of the clinic to join the man and her son. I thought that she'd stop the man from beating her kid or at least comfort her son, as I thought any normal mom would do. But instead, she joined in the screaming and basically made the boy cry even more. She called him a wimp and a baby. But he's 3. He is a baby.

They then walked off. Or more like they dragged the boy off by force and the whole clinic fell silent after witnessing what had just happened.

And I couldn't help but cry and cry at what I had just seen, because I felt like I should have done something. I wanted so badly to go out and stop it but I didn't know what to do. I wanted someone to do something, but how can I expect others to do something if I won't even do it myself. I felt ridiculous and stupid to cry so hard at something that didn't even concern me, and everyone was staring at me in slight amusement, but I couldn't help it. It really was the most heartbreaking thing I'd ever seen in real life.

I hate how we're all jut passive onlookers. I hate how I can't do anything but cry.

Friday, July 29, 2011 @ 11:58 PM

I thought I was okay. I thought I had moved on cause I was so happy the past few days. But today happened and made me realise that I still have so much more to learn.

@ 12:19 AM

Tantan: *mumbles something suspicious*
Me: What did you say?!?
Tantan: Nothing!
Me: Nothing will come of nothing! Speak again! *bursts into peals of laughter*
Tantan: *._. face (or at least what I expect him to do since this convo took place over the phone*

Omg I need to stop all my King Lear references. But admit it, IT WAS SO APT RIGHT?!? But he insists that his IB days are over & I should stop making IOC referenced to everything sigh.

OH NUNCLE!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011 @ 12:05 AM

Today was a happy day. Thank you God for making today a lot better. :)

Monday, July 25, 2011 @ 8:23 PM

I feel like I'm dying. That's a very emo statement to make but I feel like I'm dying. I can't breathe properly and I can't think without my heart beating so fast that my head throbs and without tears welling up in my eyes but hardly ever enough to drop and make me cry. I can't stand it when people ask me if I'm okay and I say yes because I am okay at the point when they're asking but I'm not at every other time. I hate it when people keep telling me that I need to get myself together because IOC is coming soon and IB is just round the corner, cause seriously, do you think I don't know that? I feel like punching someone whenever they say that everything's gonna be okay, cause yes I do know that everything's gonna be okay but yes we can sit and fantasise all we want about how things are going to be different one day but this is today and it sucks. I'd like to think that it'd be okay tomorrow, or even next week, and perhaps maybe next month, but you and I know that I'm not going to be okay any time soon. I appreciate that people keep telling me to give all my worries, all my frustrations and all my hurt to God and I am trying. I am trying ever so hard to trust in Him, to know that He has a perfect plan for me. But I keep trying and trying and that's all I ever seem to be doing. Not just in this aspect but for everything else as well. I keep trying to forgive you but I can't. I keep trying to make you proud of me but you never are. I keep trying to fix things between you guys but I never do. I keep trying to get over you, but the exact opposite is happening. I want to stop trying, to just give up, but that's not what I'm going to let myself do. I'm gonna be strong and I'm going to keep trying. But I feel like I'm dying.

God my God, I cry out, your beloved needs you now.

Sunday, July 24, 2011 @ 9:34 PM

When words fail me, Joelz somehow understands and knows how to put my thoughts and feelings into simple phrases so easily. Thank you for always being there for me. :)


[b]† [c=2]Chaos Legend[/c] † Preservation of the Martyr in Me †[/b] says: (PM 09:20:38)
well I guess either way
do what you have to I guess, especially since exams are drawing so close
but I'll always be here if you need anything at all alright? :)

Michelle says: (PM 09:26:10)
thanks joel
i guess what makes it especially hard is that i had a whole future ahead planned out for us
and knowing that those are just going to remain as plans that never come to pass is
pretty annoying
they were pretty fabulous plans

[b]† [c=2]Chaos Legend[/c] † Preservation of the Martyr in Me †[/b] says: (PM 09:27:18)
annoying seems like the wrong word here heh

Michelle says: (PM 09:27:28)
yeah i dont know what else to say
my vocab fails me at timese like these

[b]† [c=2]Chaos Legend[/c] † Preservation of the Martyr in Me †[/b] says: (PM 09:28:38)
infuriating or disheartening would probably work better depending on the effect you were trying to achieve
but I guess as emotional human beings we tend to idealize many things
and it's all fine and good, till we realize these ideals are oftentimes just smashed and unfufilled in the end
and this is the sardonic cynic in me speaking, but sometimes, that's just what they are: dreams

Friday, July 22, 2011 @ 9:02 PM

The past week has been eventful, to say the least. It has also been exceedingly tiring.

Just got back Mid Year exam results today and they weren't fabulous, but neither were they disastrous. I guess I have to say that I actually am pretty happy about it given the circumstances during my exam period and how much rubbish I had to deal with at that point in time. Really gotta thank God for somehow carrying me through and helping me to remain focused during my papers. :) Whatever results I achieved is purely by God's grace and nothing to do with my own effort.

My Macbook charger broke down a couple of hours ago and I've been as anxious as ants on a hot grill (hahaha re guo shang de ma yi!!!), so I went straight to the Apple service place thingy at Wheelock immediately after dance and found out that I need to get a new charger, which cost a frickin $128. I only had $122 on me, so I frantically called a whole lot of random people, hoping that someone would be at orchard and would be able to lend me a miserable $6. In the end, Aunty Lyndee came down to pass me money and I got my Mac charger and I am now a happy little girl. :) Other than for the fact that my Mac looks ridiculously dirty when put next to my shiny charger.

Also watched Harry Potter with Tantan yesterday! :) It was slightly disappointing. And even though I hadn't read the book before watching it, I could still remember every little detail as if I had just read the book yesterday. And throughout the movie, I kept thinking "no that's not the way things are supposed to happen". I have to admit that the movie remained fairly loyal to the books, but there were still several things that ticked me off. But the company was good nevertheless. :)

Before the movie, I had a quick err, meal with Joshua at Plaza while waiting for Tantan. I hadn't seen him in ages so it was good to catch up again. But he kept teasing me about my results and everything so I felt like punching his face all the time but nevermind, I am a fabulous OGL and can keep my cool hehehe. :)

IOC is drawing close and I am a little nervous cause I feel terribly unprepared and it seems like I have barely enough time to finish everything. We have 19 extract and I think I can only say that I'm fairly confident of 1 Lear extract and 1 Owen poem. I am pretty screwed, I think.

Yesterday during Physics class, Zinan and I had a very irritating conversation.

Zinan: You're very different from last year.
Me: How so?
Zinan: You're a lot more mature.
Me: :D :D :D :D
Zinan: You seem to have grown from 6 to 7 years old.
Me: ._.
Zinan: It's a compliment okay! In your 17 physical years, you only grew 6 years. But now you suddenly grew 1 maturity year in 1 physical year!

Omg I swear I wanted to punch him so harddddd hahaha. But when I thought about school, I realised that in four months, he will be going back to China and who knows when we'll meet again. :\ But then I started thinking about it more and I realised that I don't know how many people I'll keep in touch with after IB. Sure we're all good friends now and we can have a ball of a time together, but how many of these people that we see every day now are going to remain in our lives, even after all the torture of IB we've been through together? And that bothered me quite a bit.

I remember Manda and I had this conversation last year on the last day of Camp for Friends when we talked about how people in our lives come and go and some person that can mean so much to us today will be a mere part of our past a few years down the road. Isn't that quite sad?

Zinan and I can be good friends now, but what's gonna happen when he goes back to China and I go to dunno where for uni? And then when I think about ACS next time, I'll be like "oh yeah... I had a friend called Zinan. I wonder how he's doing..." (Zinan, if you're reading this, no offence k. You're just an example!) Omg the thought of me ever doing that to any of my current friends right now is just so gefwiohgoihrwrohigrpjo :(

I feel a little bummed now that I'm thinking about it again. :( I think I should go and make myself more miserable by reading a tragedy. To be more specific, a tragedy called King Lear.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011 @ 12:21 AM

I wish that I was worth it. But after what you said last year, I can't help but wonder if I ever meant anything to you.

Thursday, July 07, 2011 @ 2:44 PM

Read this on tumblr heehee. I love tumblr. It makes me happy. :)



I was shooting a scene in my new film, No Strings Attached, in which I say to Natalie Portman,

“If you miss me. you can’t text, you can’t email, you can’t post it on my Facebook wall. If you really miss me, you come and see me.”

I began to think of all of the billions of intimate exchanges sent daily via fingers and screens, bouncing between satellites and servers. With all this texting, emailing, and social networking, I started wondering, are we all becoming so in touch with one another that we are in danger of losing touch?

It used to be that boy met girl and they exchanged phone numbers. Anticipation built. They imagined the entire relationship before a call ever happened. The phone rang. Hearts pounded. “Hello?” Followed by a conversation that lasted two hours but felt like two minutes and would be examined with friends for two weeks. If all went well, a date was arranged. That was then.

Now we exchange numbers but text instead of calling because it mitigates the risks of early failure and eliminates those deafening moments of silence. Now anticipation builds. Bdoop. “It was NICE meeting u” Both sides overanalyze every word. We talk to a friend, an impromptu Cyrano: “He wrote nice in all caps. What does that mean? What do I write back?” Then we write a response and delete it 10 times before sending a message that will appear 2 care, but not 2 much. If all goes well, a date will be arranged.

Whether you like it or not, the digital age has produced a new format for modern romance, and natural selection may be favoring the quick-thumbed quip peddler over the confident, ice-breaking alpha male. Or maybe we are hiding behind the cloak of digital text and spell-check to present superior versions of ourselves while using these less intimate forms of communication to accelerate the courting process. So what’s it really good for?

There is some argument about who actually invented text messaging, but I think it’s safe to say it was a man. Multiple studies have shown that the average man uses about half as many words per day as women, thus text messaging. It eliminates hellos and goodbyes and cuts right to the chase. Now, if that’s not male behavior, I don’t know what is. It’s also great for passing notes. there is something fun about sharing secrets with your date while in the company of others. think of texting as a modern whisper in your lover’s car.

Sending sweet nothings on Twitter or Facebook is also fun. in some ways, it’s no different than sending flowers to the office: You are declaring your love for everyone to see. Who doesn’t like to be publicly adored. Just remember that what you post is out there and there’s some stuff you can’t un-see. But the reality is that we communicate with every part of our being, and there are times when we must use it all. When someone needs us, he or she needs all of us. There’s no text that can replace a loving touch when someone we love is hurting.

We haven’t lost romance in the digital age, but we may be neglecting it. In doing so, antiquated art forms are taking on new importance. The power of a hand-written letter is greater than ever. It’s personal and deliberate means more than an email or text ever will. It has a unique scent. It requires deciphering. But, most important, it’s flawed There are errors in handwriting, punctuation, grammar, and spelling that show our vulnerability. And vulnerability is the essence of romance. It’s the art of being uncalculated, the willingness to look foolish, the courage to say,

“This is me, and I’m interested in you enough to show you my flaws with the hope that you may embrace me for all that I am but, more importantly, all that I am not.”

- Ashton Kutcher

@ 12:37 PM

Today, I was listening to What Faith Can Do on the way to school. It kinda made me feel peaceful. :)

Wednesday, July 06, 2011 @ 1:14 PM

I've been dealing pretty well the past few days. I haven't really thought about you very much. But it's especially at times like these when I really wish I could still talk to you and know that everything's gonna be okay.

Monday, July 04, 2011 @ 9:35 PM

I had a really great day today. :) Which is actually pretty surprising cause I expected myself to have a really bad day since I woke up feeling really sad when I checked facebook. But the day became a lot better after that. :) 

I finally talked to Momo about some faith issues that have been bothering me. I told her about my views and how I think Christianity should be like, which is basically and most importantly a relationship with God. Without the relationship, the religion is nothing. And I elaborated more (I shan't talk about it here, cause religion is a rather touchy subject to discuss online), telling her about my plans for the future. I've been meaning to have that  conversation with her for quite some time, perhaps several months or so. I was a little nervous about actually broaching the subject, but somehow I woke up and knew that today was the day that I was going to tell her. And thank God, it went well. Okay I wouldn't say that it went perfectly, but it was as good as it could have been.

I also talked to her about some other issues that I've hidden from her for quite some time. I haven't actually really intentionally hidden them from her. I just couldn't find the right time to discuss them with her, and I didn't want to worry her unnecessarily. I wanted to wait till I was entirely calm and knew that I wouldn't break down when I talked to her about it. So today, I told her about it and I didn't cry, which is surprising because my mum is usually the person whom I reveal most of my emotions to. If there's anyone I'd cry to about this, it'd probably be her. But anyway, she gave me her opinion on the matter and I'm now deciding on whether to take her advice or not. 

Yesterday was also Chris' birthday party. Haha it didn't go as badly as I thought it would have, though it was a little tough when people started asking me where a particular person was. But I managed to remain composed and explain slowly and patiently, and respond to their "What?! Why!"s and "Oh no, are you okay???"s and "don't worry, you're still young!"s. Haha it was a little amusing, yet rather sad at the same time. 

Then they started trying to pair me up with Glenn, who, btw, is 11 years old. (But I think that they were kidding about it. I think.) He is 11 years old and he's taller than me. I kid you not. He's a frickin 170cm. Have you ever met such a tall P5 kid? Sigh. I felt incredibly short cause I was only like, 150+ when I was that age? 

Went to a new church yesterday too! Not really to experience a new environment, but more out of convenience cause it was near SICC, which was where my brother's party was held. But doing so made me think more about the issues that I am already facing and only served to re-confirm my future decisions. 

But anyway, back to today. I had a great day with Lyd actually, even though we didn't even do very much. We just studied mainly hahaha. But I talked to her for about an hour about religion and my views towards it. It was kinda like what I told my mum earlier on, just in a less scary environment. 

And I'm really blessed to have a friend like her to be able to talk to about God without feeling intimidated or upset at my beliefs. It's very hard to find people like her who don't impose their views on you. And I think that's kinda one of the things I miss most about MG. I miss the bobos (Wendy, Ras, Kat, Sahz, Lyd and me), whom I could discuss faith with all the time and actually get intellectual and appropriate answers from. In my entire MG life, I think that they are the ones who really strengthened my faith and brought me closer to God. 

And while I'm on the subject of the bobos, I might as well talk about how I am incredibly, incredibly blessed (can't think of another word, sorry hahaha) to have them. They have so much faith in me and my non-existent abilities. And I think I really have to attributed my O level results to them. I highly doubt that I would have done so well if not for them. 

We were at KAP having supper after Love MG (which was on Friday btw) and we were talking about uni options. They know how badly I want to go to Stanford cause I've been going on and on and on and on about it since forever, and I kept telling them that I definitely would not get in because very few Singaporeans actually get accepted and stuff. But they kept saying "nooooo can you stop it? You WILL get in." and even though a small part of me knows that I won't, I still feel so comforted knowing that there's someone out there who really believes so strongly in me. When I told them about my O Level results, they were like "I knew you would do it!" and stuff. 

And the thing is, when most people tell me such things, I get the feeling that they're just saying it make me feel better about myself even though they don't actually believe it. It's more like just... saying it. But Wendy and Ras make me feel like I really can do it, as long as I try. They were the ones who made me think of ACS as an attainable goal rather than something that I merely dream of. And they're the ones who make me view Stanford as something that I should work towards rather than something that I should just give up on right now. So I'm gonna try extra extra extra hard for Stanford even though there's a very slim chance of me actually getting in because they give me hope. :) Hee.

So while I've been busy spending the past week feeling all sad and emo and shitzzz, God reminded me of how blessed and loved I really am. That's not to say that I'm not sad any longer. I definitely still am. But the sadness is lesser now. :) 

To my dearest bobos (and Chelsea hahaha), if you're reading this (and I'm pretty sure you are cause you guys are my loyal readers hehehe), I love you vvvv much. *insert heart shape here* 

Labels: blessed

Wednesday, June 29, 2011 @ 6:01 PM

"If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then
Til I see you again
I'll be loving you
Love, Me."