Monday, July 25, 2011 @ 8:23 PM

I feel like I'm dying. That's a very emo statement to make but I feel like I'm dying. I can't breathe properly and I can't think without my heart beating so fast that my head throbs and without tears welling up in my eyes but hardly ever enough to drop and make me cry. I can't stand it when people ask me if I'm okay and I say yes because I am okay at the point when they're asking but I'm not at every other time. I hate it when people keep telling me that I need to get myself together because IOC is coming soon and IB is just round the corner, cause seriously, do you think I don't know that? I feel like punching someone whenever they say that everything's gonna be okay, cause yes I do know that everything's gonna be okay but yes we can sit and fantasise all we want about how things are going to be different one day but this is today and it sucks. I'd like to think that it'd be okay tomorrow, or even next week, and perhaps maybe next month, but you and I know that I'm not going to be okay any time soon. I appreciate that people keep telling me to give all my worries, all my frustrations and all my hurt to God and I am trying. I am trying ever so hard to trust in Him, to know that He has a perfect plan for me. But I keep trying and trying and that's all I ever seem to be doing. Not just in this aspect but for everything else as well. I keep trying to forgive you but I can't. I keep trying to make you proud of me but you never are. I keep trying to fix things between you guys but I never do. I keep trying to get over you, but the exact opposite is happening. I want to stop trying, to just give up, but that's not what I'm going to let myself do. I'm gonna be strong and I'm going to keep trying. But I feel like I'm dying.

God my God, I cry out, your beloved needs you now.